Yesterday we went to the cemetery. We raked up all the autumn leaves from the Vasila family plot. A week before we had purchased some concrete edging and about six plants and, with the help of Anti, one of our relatives, we had renovated the family plot, making it look better and more easily managed. When we arrived we noticed that the car park was unusually full for that time of day. On entering the cemetery we discover many grave plots had candles burning and people were busy tending the little gardens on their particular family plot. Talking to an elderly Estonian lady we found out the day was "all souls day" and on this day most people made sure that candles were lit for all their departed relatives. Why do I tell you this? Let me make a personal comparison.
Twenty four years ago my father died and was buried in a local cemetery. Ten years later my mother died and was buried alongside my dad. In the intervening years till now, as far as I can recollect, I have visited the cemetery only twice. If our family had been Estonians living in Estonia, even with a very conservative estimation, I would have visited their grave at least 240 times. This comparison, I think anyone would agree, highlights something very different in out two cultures. As I have always been curious as to why we do the things we do, what drives our cultural mores, and what does this contribute to our understanding of life, I have found myself reflecting on this significant cultural dichotomy
Let me first explain. Estonian cemeteries are quite different from ours. They are more like a garden park, each family plot being approximately 4 x 4 metres and containing multiple family members. For instance, the Vasila family plot (Helve's family ) contains the remains of her great great grandmother, her great grandfather and mother, her grandfather and mother, three of her great grandparents children, one of her grandparents children and a sister and brother in law of her grandparents. In the times of their deaths burial was more or less the only option, the first being in 1913 ( coincidentally the year both Helve's dad and both my dad and mum were born ) and the last around 1990. As you can see from the photos there is a small garden, a seat to sit on and a hedge surrounding the plot. The large headstone reads..."Perekond Vassila " which translates simply as the "Vassila Family". You can imagine that such cemeteries occupy large areas due to the plot size, a problem that is looming for coming town authorities. These plots are cared for by family members, not by the cemetery authority. Most family plots would be visited approximately 6 to 8 times per year purely for maintenance, that is gardening, cleaning etc. In addition Estonians mark all milestones such as birthdays, the date of death, Christmas, All Souls Day, New Years day, cemetery day and possibly some others we have not heard of. A simple calculation indicates that a family grave might be visited from 10 to 15 times a year. When you add to this that most families have two branches of the decedents ( his & hers ) you can see that a considerable amount of time is spent by Estonians carrying out these responsibilities. All this is interesting but even more interesting is what does it tell us about Estonian attitudes with regard to departed relatives, and for that matter, what does it tell us about ours in Australia also.
Firstly, observing what we can of the Estonian situation a number of possibilities present themselves. I don't think that these possibilities are mutually exclusive, but rather are present in some degree across the board. In the first place one can hardly avoid the conclusion that Estonians have a greater sense of connection, respect, concern, remembrance, and responsibility for their dead, if we use 'time spent' as the measure. My 2 visits alongside the 240 visits does seem to justify that conclusion. Maybe....maybe not. Somehow I think the question may be more important than the answer. As you are reading this, what do you think about your response?
On another level, Estonians, like Aussies are not in general very religious. Even though "all souls day" has obvious connections to a more religious past, today, it seems at least to us, that it is seen by the majority of Estonians as a day they have always lit the candles on their ancestors graves. Tradition. This is the thing that is done and has been handed down generation to generation. Modernisation everywhere seems to erode tradition, and there are clear evidences of that process at work here in Estonia. In this very cemetery there is now a crematorium and a new section of lawn graves. Maybe the differences in our responses can be attributed to the level of modernity that has worked its way through our respective societies. Maybe!
Then there is the respectability question. These family plots do exist so care of them on the one hand, or neglect on the other, has potential to reflect on the family in question. Do they care? Are they discharging their responsibilities? Not many families, whether Estonian or Australian feel comfortable being seen as negligent or irresponsible. Respectability alone provides a legitimate incentive for action. Does this explain the differences. I think not, but undoubtedly it contributes.
Let me say this. I have been with folks to the graves of their loved ones. I have witnessed genuine emotion, refection and respect. I have no reason to doubt the authenticity of those experiences. In some ways these moments have challenged me to examine what, if anything, I can learn.
So...is one society preoccupied with their dead and the other, at the best "wanting to move on", or at the worst, wanting to "deny or avoid" the reality of death? I, for one, am not sure. Perhaps there is truth in all the possibilities. Definitely people are different and we must realise that generalities have their limitations. As an Australian I am aware that our nation was formed in the crucible of change. Wrenched from our original environments we we planted in what some of us now realise was someone else environment ( our aboriginal folks ) and forced to make changes or perish. That ethos has permeated our structure perhaps more than we realise. It seems, for instance, that we cannot keep a building beyond say 60 years and we want to pull it down and build a new one. Country towns that thrived 100 years ago have often completely disappeared. We are proficient at looking forward but perhaps deficient at considering the importance of our past. Perhaps European societies err in the opposite direction allowing the past to impede the journey forward. Maybe the best outcome is to take time to ask yourself the questions. Are we missing something here or have we found as a society an adequate way to express our relationship to the dead as well as the living, to the past as well as the future? Could both our societies be enriched by a careful consideration, and perhaps, an appropriation of one another's strengths?
Let me apologise for a "heavy post", especially to some of you whom I know have had to face such experiences in the near past. Perhaps you, more than all of us, can point us in the right direction. I promise the next post will be light and sunny, which is more than I can say for our weather is at the moment.
Meantime, take care. If we don't get to "talk again" before Christmas we would like to take this opportunity to wish you and your families a really happy, relaxing and significant family time. It seems that 'everyone has everything' these days, so gifts are not as important as the love and genuine care we can share with one another. Helve & I will miss you all at this time but we have not forgotten you. As we eat our Christmas Eve dinner (cause thats when they celebrate here ) amidst the snow we will have you all in our hearts and minds.
Palu õnne jõuluks.
Just to cheer you up!
